Students Sacrifice 10 virgins, Bowl of Quinoa to Testudo, Su...

UMD | Zoss Assefa | May 18, 2016

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Students Sacrifice 10 virgins, Bowl of Quinoa to Testudo, Summon Dark Lord Cthulhu


COLLEGE PARK, MD―Students were in a frantic panic in front McKeldin Library on Sunday night following the inadvertent summoning of an ancient deity by three unassuming students.

With final exams winding to a close, University of Maryland students are giving up offerings to Testudo in the hopes that the ever-merciful Turtle would aid them in nailing the A+.

Offerings have come in all shapes and sizes, but last week, a group of hopeful students went the extra mile to ensure that Testudo was appeased and their passing grades ensured. Sophomore Ben Westard, and juniors Eric Schaefer and Ryan Orson brought Testudo 10 virgins and a hot steaming bowl of toasted quinoa.

In a very anticlimactic puff of smoke, a giant, grotesque, octopus-faced creature appeared, later to be identified as The Dark Lord Cthulhu. The creature immediately began to slaughter both Westard and Schaefer while leaving Orson unharmed.

Howard Shinn, a bystander during the altercation and self-proclaimed, “Dark magic expert” concluded that the sacrifice of 10 virgins met adequate criteria to wake the immortal beast from his eternal slumber.

When asked how he felt about the events of the day and the deaths of his close friends, Orson stated, “I mean, I wouldn’t say I was underwhelmed, but I wasn’t really overwhelmed either. I guess I was just whelmed, bro.”

Orson later added, “Honestly, I’m just trying to finesse this A in my marketing class. You’ve got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.”

At press time, Orson was spotted frantically avoiding Testudo on his way to Francis Scott Key Hall.