Ingredients in Breyers Blasts Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake Frozen Dairy Dessert, Ranked by How Much I Would Like to Backflip Off a Diving Board Into a Pool Filled With It
“Ohhhhh, yes,” I say to myself slightly too loudly as I stare with face pressed against the sliding glass door in the frozen foods section. I surmise that I am now being stared at, as well, by my fellow shoppers—but I do not care, for I am enraptured. “There she is, my darling sweet.” Indeed, I feel beckoned, called to this very spot here, now, where my velvety dream cream awaits: Breyers Blasts Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake Frozen Dairy Dessert. Oh, how I wish to ravish thee between teeth and tongue! She is a complex concoction of confectionery, filled with wonders both tantalizing and terrifying. She is not mere cheesecake, nor simple strawberry—nay, not even your ordinary frozen dairy dessert! She is all of these things, bound together in holy matrimony. Let me guide you through her various components, ranked in descending order by how much I would like to backflip off a diving board into a swimming pool filled with nothing but the particular ingredient in question.
1. Cream cheese
Dear god. A pool full of cream cheese? The sheer hedonism of it! Call me a bagel and smother me, my whole body, you silky seductress.
Milk, milk, but no lemonade; just milk, please! I can’t imagine many things potentially more pleasurable than leaping backwards from a diving board into a swimming pool filled to the brim with lukewarm, vitamin D-enriched cow’s milk—full fat, of course.
I can barely keep myself from erupting at the thought of helplessly drowning in endless quantities of thick, viscous molasses, the sweet brown goo for me and you. But right now, it’s all for me. Cannonball!
4. Skim milk
I personally feel that the skimming process removes much of the nourishing power that bovine teat discharge has on my soft skin, and therefore I have this form of the pale fluid ranked lower.
If you want a picture of bliss, it is me backstroking through a sea of freshly-cracked chicken’s eggs, spouting thick, yellow yolk like a fountain from my mouth.
6. Corn syrup
Its sticky warmth sings from the pool: “Come, let me surround you with my corn-born sweetness.” I answer: “I’m coming, my gooey god sauce!” And off the diving board I go, and my flip is majestic.
Boy howdy, a pool filled with plump, delectable strawberries would sure pump me up enough to get three or four good spins in before collapsing into a symphony of bursting red juice.
Just a spoonful of this superb substance is all that’s necessary to make Mother’s medicine go down, but an entire swimming pool overflowing with countless granules of it would make this gluttonous little piggy feel downright heavenly.
Good old water! Two hydrogens, one oxygen, and one me swimming happily through all its wonderful wetness.
10. Wheat flour
Ah, yes, wheat flour. It is my power, the highlight of any hour, produced high in a tower, from where it falls in a shower into the gaping mouths of the people who scoured the earth to taste this flour—not too sweet, not too sour.
I can almost perfectly picture myself spinning joyfully through the warm summer air over a wide, shimmering vat of delicious, delicious carrageenan.
Pectin is what makes your jams and jellies thick. Also, me.
13. Canola oil
Into this pool I shall dive as the great osprey dives towards the water to catch a fish, but there is no water here and relatively few fish. And from this pool I shall emerge, glistening, an anointed king, the King of Canola, naked and free.
Aside from falling into the arms of my honey, my sweet, with whom I would share this tasty treat, falling into actual honey would be an acceptable alternative. Just keep the bears away so I can flip in peace!
15. Whole wheat/graham flour
Hold up now, folks—another flour! When it comes to all the possibilities involving Breyers Blasts Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake Frozen Dairy Dessert, the goodness just keeps on coming. Prepare my trunks!
16. Natural flavor
No artificial flavors here! Only pure, natural flavors to fill my every orifice upon completing my diving board acrobatics and succumbing to the effects of gravity.
I’m a naughty, naughty boy. Dredge me as you would a piece of chicken. But there will be no frying, only flipping. Backflipping, that is. Me backflipping, that is, into what must amount to over a metric ton of cornstarch. Hmm. Yep. This is a pleasing idea. Where one would find so much starch and how they would transport it to my pool is not my concern; I think only of the flip, and the starch itself, that delicate yet so very critical brush stoke in the masterpiece of art that is Breyers Blasts Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake Frozen Dairy Dessert. Overlook not the starch, friends, for it surrounds us, binding us and the myriad components in our frozen dairy desserts that due to FDA regulations cannot legally be labeled “ice cream,” binding you to me, binding our energies to the cosmos.
I am “whey” too into the idea of backflipping, and then backflopping, into an undulating pool of pure, protein-rich whey.
19. Carob bean gum
The humble carob bean is also known as the locust bean, and I think Breyers made the wise choice in labeling here. Locusts? In my Breyers Blasts Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake Frozen Dairy Dessert? No thank you! But carob, yes, the gum of this treasure from nature is a perfectly good ooze with which to fill my pool and backflip into accordingly.
20. Guar gum
Who at one point hasn’t caught themselves daydreaming about standing perched over a vast sea of shining, scrumptuous guar gum, ready to perform the most significant backflip of their lives?
21. Tara gum
This is probably my least favorite of the vegetable gums present in Breyers Blasts Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake Frozen Dairy Dessert, but it was a close call between this and guar gum. I would still enjoy floating naked through 20,000 gallons of this particular gum, were the option presented to me.
Rock salt? Sea salt? Kosher salt? Who knows, and, frankly, who cares? Not I! If it’s good enough to be a part of the rich delicacy that is Breyers Blasts Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake Frozen Dairy Dessert, it’s good enough to be a part of my pool… and, soon, a part of me.
Annatto is usually added to foods for color. Well, color me mildly excited by the prospect of completing three 360-degree aerial rotations before plunging deep into a massive in-ground reservoir full of the stuff!
I’m not entirely sure what this is, but I’ll give the good people at Breyers the benefit of the doubt that it is an enticing and necessary piece of the intricate puzzle that is Breyers Blasts Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake Frozen Dairy Dessert.
25. Sodium bicarbonate
Baking soda, I got baking soda! A little too much, in fact. This actually does not appeal very much to me. But I’ll fling myself from the plank into your whiteness anyway, I guess.
26. Beet juice concentrate
Beet juice is all well and good, but a concentrate? I’m not sure if I’ll be able to “concentrate” fully on my gymnastics knowing that this stuff is what awaits to cover my skin mere seconds later.
27. Palm oil
Okay, I understand canola oil, but palm? You may think that the oil of palm is the bomb dot com, but not I, and certainly not my mom. And yet, were it to fill my pool, I would perhaps find myself standing at the edge of the diving board, thinking the unthinkable.
28. Citric acid
My pores are screaming.
29. Malic acid
I am screaming.
30. Ascorbic acid
My mother is screaming.
31. Lemon oil
Enough with the fucking oil already. Is this Breyers Blasts Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake Frozen Dairy Dessert, the lickable love of my life, or is this the goddamn Middle East? Are the United States Armed Forces coming to bomb the frozen desserts section of this Giant grocery store to secure the liquid gold contained within? Will multiple extremist organizations spring forth like daisies after a rainstorm to occupy the sociopolitical vacuum generated by our government’s blunderheaded neoliberal foreign policy executed by way of widespread slaughter, demolition, and destabilization of a historically oppressed and tumultuous region of the Earth to supposedly impose Western democracy upon a reluctant populace in order to maintain control over the climate-destroying economic resource they just happen to live on top of? Do I look like the fucking Tin Man to you? Do I perhaps creak and grind as I move, leading you, the presumably fine folks working at the Breyers factory to churn out delicious desserts for normal American families to consume greedily before the television set, eyes shining with unrestrained ecstasy, to believe that I am in need of lubrication? Do I smoke and make strange noises when you drive me around for too long? Do I swing through a Jiffy Lube every three thousand motherfucking miles to remain in peak condition? No? Then why, for the love of Jesus shitspitting Christ, do you put so much oil into my subzero dairy delight, the most tempting of treats? How many varieties of nonpolar chemical liquids are really necessary to construct a delicacy meeting your standards? Dost thou mock me, Breyers? Dost thou seethe with hatred at my loyal consumption of your culinary creation? Am I not fit to partake in its magic? Do I carry a totality of sin too great for but one moment several times a day to be rewarded with white, dripping nourishment, this manna from your heaven, which you distribute so generously at a mere $3.95 for 48 fluid ounces at a supermarket near me, enabling me to affordably stockpile it in the six freezers in my garage? Or do you simply revel in sadism at my spiritual torture, considering the mere hypothetical scenario of me, shaking in terror, gazing upon the Lovecraftian abomination that is a standard-sized backyard concrete swimming pool replete with an unholy amount of lemon oil? You monsters.
32. Lemon peel
What kind of loving, benevolent god would ever allow such a thing to transpire?
33. Mono and diglycerides
Jam fish hooks through my corneas, tie the line to the hitch of a tractor trailer, and floor it.
34. Vitamin A palmitate
I need serious professional help.
Article by Corey Rennolds @CoreyRennolds.