Susan G. Komen Announces Literal Race for the Cure
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DALLAS, TX—During a press conference held at the organization’s headquarters earlier this afternoon, Jeremy Lenthoff, associate director for the cancer nonprofit Susan G. Komen, announced that a literal cure for cancer will be offered as the prize for an upcoming Race for the Cure 5K event.
The change in format comes on the heels of one of the largest breakthroughs in modern medical history since the invention of the polio vaccine. After many years of tireless research, funded largely through Susan G. Komen’s Race for the Cure event, the organization has discovered a literal cure for cancer. The cure, as explained by Lenthoff, will be presented exclusively as the prize for the first-place finish in the next Race for the Cure.
“Now, the Race for the Cure is going to be an actual race for the cure,” said Lenthoff. “This year alone in the United States, there have been about 1.6 million new cases of cancer. That’s an incredibly high number, which means if you want a chance in hell of being cured, you should start training at least a month in advance of the race, if not two.”
While the organization has traditionally focused on breast cancer, the race will be open to individuals afflicted with any form of the disease. When asked why the organization chose to make the cure available exclusively in this manner, Lenthoff said,
“Its just American. America loves sports. America loves competition. And what we have here is a pure and beautiful marriage of these two staples of American culture. And better yet, we’re curing cancer. Who can’t get behind that? And really, this way, the cure is accessible to everyone, so money won’t be an issue, all that counts is how badly you want it and how bad you’re willing to work for it. And again, that’s just simply American, you want something, you go for it, you know?”
“Plus, we only have enough for one person,” added Lenthoff.
The race is expected to be a heated competition, with the possibility of stress-induced casualties due to the advanced conditions of some race participants. Entrants will be administered a full medical examination to verify that they are indeed suffering from malignant cell growth in order to prevent enterprising profiteers from winning the coveted first-place prize. Vegas betting odds currently favor a winner with skin cancer at 5:1, while one with lung cancer brings up the rear at 200:1.
After the press conference, Lenthoff was seen speaking with representatives from the American Diabetes Association (ADA). When reached for comment, the ADA confirmed rumors that they are looking into similarly overhauling the ADA’s Step Out: Walk to Cure Diabetes. The event is expected to be a speed walking competition. However, the ADA is still working on the particulars as some diabetes patients have lost their lower extremities to the disease, and using prosthetics in the race has been deemed by some as an unfair advantage to competitors.