Wallace Loh is Turning UMD into a Dystopian Wasteland

Opinion | Elliot Bromberg | April 28, 2016

  • Copied

Wallace Loh is Turning UMD into a Dystopian Wasteland

Screen Shot 2016-04-28 at 11.56.19 AM

Wallace Loh is a dictator. There I said it.

As some of you know, the University is changing the current plan to something they call “Anytime Dining.” Supposedly it gets rid of points and now it’s all you can eat and instead of swiping UIDs, there are palm scanners. You can’t just expect me to believe that we really need palm scanners in our diners just to improve the dining experience. I see right through you Wally, you slimy son of a bitch. Wallace wants one thing and one thing only; and that’s to turn our beautiful campus into a dystopian wasteland.

Think about it. First he tears down Cole Field House, an icon on this campus. Sure he says they’re rebuilding it but are you Wally? Are you really? How can we trust the man who let XFINITY slap their logo on our sacred basketball stadium? XFINITY is owned by Comcast. FUCKING COMCAST. They have literally been voted the most evil company on the planet; it’s a classic pairing: pure evil and Wallace Loh. And now he’s starting a database where he can register all of our palm prints all based on the promise of a better dining experience. If I had to guess that two faced dirtbag is just trying to slip mind control chips into the next quesadilla I get.

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg, he moved us from the ACC to the BIG-10. Yeah I know he says it was to up our level of competition, but in reality he crushed our school spirit. Now there’s no more marquee matchup against Duke or North Carolina. You really think Penn State is gonna fill that void? Fuck Penn State! Hey Wally, next time you try and fuck us like this at least warn me to bite the pillow before you go in dry.

And don’t even get me started on all the construction. Don’t think I forgot about the plans for the purple line Wally. What, trains are allowed on campus but hover boards aren’t?  Not to mention that everywhere I look on campus there’s a new building going up. You’ve been building an especially suspicious Bioengineering building which I can only assume is being used to create Melo Trimble clones in case he declares for the draft. Oh and that reminds me, what’s the deal with all the fucking Subways on campus? There’s 3 Subways and not a single Panera Bread. Seems awfully fishy to me Wally. Nobody likes subway, not even Jared! And we all know where he ended up. Don’t be like Jared, Wally.

I remember the days where the name Wallace Loh used to mean something. When it stood for hope and justice. I remember when I was a wide eyed freshman and Wally handed me a Maryland pin during orientation. Those were the days…but now, when I look around campus, I just see impending doom.

What has the corporate rat race done to you Wally?! What’s the end game?! Just know I’m on to you Wally, and soon the whole university will be too.


Photo source: Deema Miranda