I Have No Evidence That David Duchovny Rescued These 9 Puppies, but Let’s Just Assume He Did
Television and film star David Duchovny is a pretty swell guy—so swell, in fact, that he took the time out of his very busy schedule to drive down to the local animal shelter or scour his community and rescue these nine absolutely adorable puppy dogs. What a man! Now, I do not have any hard evidence that David Duchovny actually did this, but let us for a brief moment just assume that he took these cute little fellas into his home out of the sheer kindness bursting from his heart.
Oh my goodness, look at this puppy. It was abandoned by its owner, a very mean drunk who would throw chicken leg bones at its cute puppy face, but the puppy was always tied up in the yard, and the bones would bounce off its oh-so-pettable head and land just out of reach. This tormented the puppy. How cruel. Now it lives with David Duchovny, presumably, where it is free to run around the house and gnaw upon all the chicken bones that David casually tosses onto the floor. That’s the good life for a lil’ puppy dog such as this one!
This little tyke was destined for the glue factory until David Duchovny got his benevolent, immaculately soft hands on him, I’m assuming. David Duchovny can easily afford all the glue he needs, so instead, this super pupper now spends his days frolicking through the wildflowers on the Duchovny estate and getting into all sorts of glue-free adventures. Thanks, David (we hope)!
If David Duchovny is anything close to the wonderful, compassionate, musky man I’m just going to believe that he is until proven otherwise, he must have practically sprinted barefoot to the animal shelter to make this precious bundle of joy the newest member of the Duchovny clan. I mean, come on! I just wanna eat you up, pup.
4 & 5.
TWINS! Lila and Mack were found rolling around inside a dumpster behind an In-N-Out just a few miles from David Duchovny’s home, which Duchovny spends at least an hour per day multiple days a week digging through in search of secret messages addressed to him from rabid fans of his hit 2001 sci-fi comedy film Evolution or boots that are still good enough to wear to the supermarket. Luckily for him—and this duo of dynamite doggos—it is totally within the realm of possibility that Duchovny was crawling through that very dumpster the same day Lila and Mack had decided to take up temporary residence inside it. Now they’re the best of friends!
There is a very real chance that a slightly-inebriated David Duchovny strolled gallantly through the glittering halls of the local animal shelter, laid fair eyes upon this most sprightly and wet-nosed pupperoo, and bellowed, “Yes! This is the short beast that shall lick my floors and feet to a previously-unheard-of level of cleanliness.” And so it was.
I can not say with absolute certainty that a shirtless, glistening David Duchovny wrestled this scrumptious little angel straight from the hands of its equally shirtless, glistening former owner, an evil man who abused it regularly by whispering in its ear that all the neighborhood puppies called its shits small, and that its spots resembled embarrassingly tiny lumps of puppy shit, but it sure makes for a heartwarming story, doesn’t it?
At no point in the Emmy-award-winning television series Californication does David Duchovny ever walk right up to the camera and scrunch his face to look anywhere near as intoxicatingly fuzzy-wuzzy as this multi-legged mammal friend, but at least he theoretically did the next best thing by scooping this puppaluffigus from the sticky jaws of homeless street life, where it was regularly beaten by ruffians with socks filled exclusively with jawbreakers and red Starburst candy, to live happily with David in his multi-roomed mammal mansion. And that, my friends, is worth an Emmy all on its own.
Good fucking heavens. If David Duchovny, the glorious bastard ape of The X-Files fame, indeed hurled his naked body through the glass of an animal shelter window to find this most lovable of all doggie-doos in the land and carried it through a hail of gunfire off into the sunset so that it could spend the rest of its days sprinting blindly headfirst into tree stumps in David’s backyard, then he is truly the big wet hero of my frothy dreams.
Article by Corey Rennolds @CoreyRennolds.