An Open Letter to My Big Studying Abroad
Dear biggie and all of you mofos out there reading this who PROBABLY JUST DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND KR!ST!INA,
Oh wait first of all—it’s ur little, Denice. I’m trying to get an internship at Arby’s this summer so I had to change my name literally everywhere on the internet.
So while you’re abroad, (where are you again???) I wanted to introduce you to the pledges (pledges if you’re reading this, literally go get me a strawberry Ten Ren bubble tea right now and on your way back get me a burrito bowl. Oh, and I fucking already KNOW guac is extra).
I decided to write this letter to explain how fuckin CUH-RAYZAYY you are.
So for all of those reading this who DON’T know Kr!ist!na, there is a lot you need to catch up on. She’s a double major in anthropology and BEIN’ A FUCKIN BOSS. She’s from Maryland, used to live in the sorority house (but never really slept here….she was always out late doing group projects at frat houses and wouldn’t come home til the morning) but I think she lives in a trendy European apartment now. Probably classy as SHIT.
When you write me back, remember to tell me WHERE THE HELL YOU ARE. I have been trying to see your pictures, videos, global terrorism check-ins, statuses, pokes, etc., but I can’t access any of this on my facebook account for some reason? Other people said they can see it, but I guess there is a problem with my fb account? Thanks Steve Jobs.
Kr!st, now that I have your attention, people have told me you’re sharing some dumb ‘feel the bern’ shit on facebook. CAN YOU LITERALLY STOP? Honestly no one gives a literal fuck about your stupid catch phrases…also can you fucking spell?
Sorry, sorry… I know I backtracked a LITTLE. Omg, hhahahaha get it tho like I’m her little! Ok. So yeah another cool thing about kr!st!na is that she is past past past past past past risk chair of our sorority, which is c00l because it was her job to pound down the most shots out of anyone so that no one else would have access to enough alcohol to get too drunk at our bar tabs.
Anyway, I hope you’re fucking KILLING IT at this Abroad place. You’re probably like, eating escargot and getting a shit ton of Snapchat geofilters. I mean I wouldn’t know because I still don’t fucking know where you are…
Literally missing you so much Kr!st-Kr!st, can’t wait for you to come back soon! Literally all of the state of Maryland is crying for you to come home.
The best little ever!! Hahahah me!
P.S. there is this app called “WhatsApp” that you can download so we can finally talk. I keep getting these fucking weird-ass error messages from Viber, GroupMe and Facebook Messenger that you “blocked” me or some shit. Technology, am I right?
Photo credit: Matt Druin