26 Reasons Why I Need More Ovaltine, NOW

click here ya dingus | Corey Rennolds | April 11, 2016

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26 Reasons Why I Need More Ovaltine, NOW


I crave the fine chocolatey drink mix, and I require more. Do you love the scrumptious Ovaltine as much as I do? Here are the 26 reasons why I need more Ovaltine… and I need it NOW:

1. I rub the Ovaltine into my eyes so I can see the sparkling nutrients.

2. The Ovaltine reminds me of sweet cocaine but is brown and does not burn my mucous membranes so much.

3. Once a week I bury my cat in Ovaltine so that she can acquire the 12 essential vitamins and minerals.

4. It keeps the thirsty ghosts away.

5. If I do not mail an envelope of Nestlé’s rich chocolate Ovaltine to my landlord every month, he will cancel my lease and send the dogs.

6. I drop a heaping spoonful of the Ovaltine in the gas tank of my car, and it thanks me. Otherwise no one thanks me all week.

7. When the television asks if I have Ovaltine, I can throw some at the screen to prove it, and then I am safe from shame.

8. Gunpowder works better, but Ovaltine brings back better memories.

9. A little-known fact is that your body cannot create new fingernails without a steady supply of Ovaltine.

10. When I sprinkle some Ovaltine on my mother’s grave, I can hear her laughing.

11. Milk is poisonous without Ovaltine unless you whisper to it to remove the poison, and my throat is sore.

12. At the bottom of every can of Ovaltine is a secret message from the CEO of Nestlé telling me what a good job I’ve done, and I collect these in a book.

13. I promised God that I would eat enough Ovaltine to feed all the firstborn sons killed in Egypt.

14. The thought of what I might do without another cold, delicious glass of silky smooth Ovaltine dribbling down my chin fills me with terror.

15. In the future, I will tell my children how much Ovaltine I acquired, and they will shower me with praise and respect.

16. A little bit o’ the ol’ Ovaltine gets my girlfriend really fucking raw.

17. When I apply for my driver’s license, if there is a question that asks whether I have drank Ovaltine within the last 48 hours, I can check the box next to “Yes” with confidence.

18. Without Ovaltine, the sun will be saddened and slowly go out, extinguishing all life on Earth.

19. Ovaltine will transform into pure silver at high enough temperatures, and my oven has been on for quite a while.

20. I am carefully documenting the community of tiny people that live peacefully among the vitamins in the Ovaltine until they invent democracy. Then I will consume them to absorb their wisdom.

21. Future monuments to our dearest leaders could be made of bricks pressed from the chocolate dust, and they will have to buy it from me.

22. I will leave trails of Ovaltine that lead to all of my favorite hiding places in the city, where I store my Ovaltine, so that I won’t forget where they are.

23. If I spell out “OVALTINE” with nothing except Ovaltine mix, the four throbbing arms of Vishnu will reach down and drag my kicking and screaming soul to paradise.

24. My shitty little brat nephew won’t stop pestering me for more Ovaltine, and I should not strike him again.

25. There shall be a great wall of Ovaltine five stories high, and it will shield me from the government, who are jealous of the nutrients I possess.

26. Hurry, or we will not win the race and the final prize! Mix me a glass and we will achieve fame and glory beyond our wildest dreams!

Article by Corey Rennolds @CoreyRennolds.