click here ya dingus | Kayla Schorr | March 29, 2016

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Hey guyz, i’m Kayla. So on Saturday, I spent the night at the Dollar Tree in College Park just picking up a few items. The cashier had an eyepatch but I guess Halloween was 2 weeks ago and he forgot to take it off. I thought it was kinda cute.

Anyways, I do this thing with my friend Jess (if you’re reading this, txt me back) where I live-text certain events in my life. So far I’ve live-texted my first day at community college, that time my dad passed a kidney stone, my last day at community college (quitters are winners in the end) and my aunt’s funeral.

After my first live-text, Jess replied, “don’t do that again.” Hahah she’s a riot. Again, if you’re reading this Jess, txt me back!


2:06 am: Roll up to the College Park Dollar Tree in a Lyft

2:08 a.m.: Mimic an “open sesame” motion as the automatic doors open. Here I am.

2:08 a.m.: Double fist 4 Dollar Tree baskets and embark on the journey.

2:12 a.m.: Realize Easter candy is on sale.

2:12 a.m.: Contemplate the meaning of a sale at a dollar store.

2:13 a.m.: Begin to understand that if there’s a sale at a dollar store it must mean the item is free.

2:13 a.m.: Quickly look at cashier.

2:13 a.m.: Eat an entire jumbo-sized Reese’s then stuff garbage in corner on floor.

2:30 a.m.: Throw in the usual groceries (hair extensions, pool noodle, holiday themed greenware, etc.)

2:50 a.m.: Obtain a shopping cart

2:51 a.m.: Weave through every aisle of the dollar store on shopping cart like on Supermarket Sweep.

3:11 a.m. Put the shopping cart back and continue double fisting the four baskets of items. #gainz

3:11 a.m.: Question why there are children below the age of 5 at the College Park Dollar Tree past 3 a.m.

3:12 a.m.: Consider the lucrativeness of a day care in Dollar Tree

3:16 a.m.: Oh look, a piñata!

3:17 a.m.: Purchase the shit out of that Diego from Dora shaped piñata.

3:18 a.m.: Don’t buy candy for it. You’re dieting.

5:48 a.m.: You just woke up in the College Park Dollar Tree

5:49 a.m.: Order a Lyft home before checkout. #savingtime

5:52 a.m.: Make eye contact with the cashier.

5:54 a.m.: He blinked. Suckaaaa

5:56 a.m.: Walk towards cashier, then fake cry at self-checkout machine.

5:56 a.m.: Imitate voice of the self-checkout computer.

5:57 a.m.: Carefully scan the “Don’t miss out!” shelf next to the cash register to see if I missed anything

5:58: I don’t need chapstick, gum, batteries, ok yeah I don’t need of this shi—OMFG A $1 PREGNANCY TEST

6:00 a.m.: Punch the air in victory and reflect on the greatness of the “don’t miss out!” shelf

7:00 a.m.: AT HOME: watch old re-runs of “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant”


Jess txt me back please.