COLLEGE PARK, MD— Sources confirmed over the weekend that the Department of Student Affairs (DSA) would be adding a “No Snitching” training module to Alcohol EDU effective as early as the fall semester of 2016. Officials from the department say the decision was reached after a very long and involved deliberation process.
We sat down with the Assistant Director of the DSA, Rob Lewis, under whose directive the module will be created and implemented, to discuss the proposed changes at some length:
The Rival: “So what type of training will the module consist of exactly?”
Rob Lewis: “Well, the intricacies are still being worked out, but the core principle is very straight forward. Let me put it to you this way: basically, if an RA, cop, whatever, comes and breaks up your pregame or your party and starts asking questions, you don’t say a word. You take that L. You shut your mouth and take that whole L.”
TR: “What was the influence behind this proposal?”
RL: “Yeah, great question. See, the thing is no one likes a snitch. It’s been known for quite some time now that snitches do in fact get stitches, and, really, this new training module is constructed to reflect that long standing fact.”
TR: “ Why now?”
RL: “Very fair question. You ever seen Serpico? Al Pacino gets shot in the face because he snitched. The Departed? Snitch gets killed. The God Father Part II? Same thing. And you know what? They’re all based on real life. Snitching is just unacceptable in the real world, and we, as a public institute of higher learning, have a duty to our students to ingrain that in their minds as early and as forcibly as possible. And it’s key that we do it now because these are formative years for many college students. The ideas and sentiments they develop now? They will mindlessly accept them as facts of the real world later as full-fledged adults. It’s all about the kids. Now is the best time; it’s the only time. Otherwise, a kid will graduate and go snitching all “willy nilly” thinking it’s fine, and next thing you know? BAM! Shot in the face. By the way: Serpico? Great movie. Very gritty. Give it a watch if you haven’t already.”
TR: “Now to be perfectly realistic, this module is not going to completely stop snitching. Any ideas on maximizing its effectiveness? Perhaps enforcing it to some extent?”
RL: “Good point, I’m glad you brought that up. That was a big part of the deliberation actually. We can put these modules out there and mandate every student goes through the training, but, at the end of the day, the DSA can’t really force students to adhere to them. That’s why we are actually working on a supplementary module, “How to Give Stitches to Snitches”. In it, we outline all the different methods on how students can take it upon themselves to identify, gang up on, and physically harm, preferably maim, snitching individuals.”
The new training is facing opposition from many who believe that implementation of the proposed modules would encourage violence and irresponsible consumption of alcohol across campus. In the face of these claims, the DSA has stayed adamant in its position that those who oppose “need to just stop being little bitches” and that “they’re probably some snitches anyways”.
At press time, there were rumors circulating that the DSA is also looking to push a “Plug, Don’t Chug” campaign to promote butt plugging as a cheaper, more efficient alternative to binge drinking copious volumes of alcoholic beverages. The DSA could not be reached for comment.