UMD Police Auxiliary Receive New Bikes to Prepare for Impending Basketball Game Riots
COLLEGE PARK, MD—The UMD Police Auxiliary have recently purchased several new 10-speed bicycles in an absolutely adorable attempt to prepare for potential rioting following tonight’s basketball game, according to sources.
College Park has had its share of basketball-related riots, with the most recent being in 2013 following a victory over Duke. Now, as the men’s basketball team prepares to take on the No. 1-seeded Kansas Jayhawks, a silent fervor has gripped campus. The Police Auxiliary pathetically believe that the new bicycles will be key in handling any outbreaks of violence, according to junior student auxiliary Devon Lee.
“I love our Terps as much as the next student, but unfortunately students have had a bit of an arson habit and have been downright unruly even when we win. Luckily, the department has given us some better equipment so we’ll be prepared. They bought us six new 10-speed bicycles, and also brighter flashlights than we had before, so I feel pretty confident in our ability to keep the peace,” said Lee.
Senior George Evans expressed doubts, however, describing the Auxiliary’s authority as “laughable” and “borderline nonexistent.”
“When I was a freshman, they knocked on my door while I was hotboxing my dorm. It was pretty obvious that I was in there, but I kinda just pretended I wasn’t there until they left. Hell, I didn’t even get written up for that,” said Evans.
In a survey that Rival reporters sent out to students, 83 percent of UMD undergraduates referred to auxiliaries as “power-tripping assholes” and “more out of touch with student life than Hillary Clinton is with youth voters.” Many recounted personal stories of literally walking away from an auxiliary after getting caught and “laughing right in their dumb fucking faces.”
Lee, however, remains hilariously optimistic about the effectiveness of the auxiliaries.
“No, we can’t technically arrest anyone, but they also just shipped in a brand new batch of walkie-talkies that we can call actual police with. But be assured, we will still politely request to see your UIDs.”