Freshman Virgin Brags About Never Using Condoms

US and World | Elliot Bromberg | March 9, 2016

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Freshman Virgin Brags About Never Using Condoms

Photo Source: Kari Sullivan
Photo Source: Kari Sullivan

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Freshman Andrew Schimmers was overheard bragging to his roommates about how he never uses condoms when he’s with girls. As he sipped on miso soup at Shanghai Tokyo, the 18-year-old was observed confidently detailing his sexual escapades to friends while mindlessly swiping right on Tinder.

“I just can’t go back to them; they’re way too tight. My girlfriend in high school used to let me go in raw, and now if I use condoms I can’t feel anything.”

Schimmers continued on, at several points mentioning the “bitches” he’s “raw-dogged” since the start of the semester. Schimmers followed this with a vivid description of his most recent sexual encounter.

“The key to getting a girl to want you is all about the thrusting. You have to generate all the torque from your thighs. Moving in like a corkscrew is guaranteed to make her cum back. You know, like cum? Get it? Like girls and stuff. Anyway, make sure you smother the snout—that’s where all the sensations are. Everything else is just pointless.”

At press time, Schimmers’ friends asked to see pictures of the girls in question, to which he quickly replied, “They’re not really into the whole social media thing; they just live life in the moment,” before suddenly leaving to use the restroom.