10 Quick Tips for Passing Your Next Drug Test

Millennials Only! | Zoss Assefa | March 3, 2016

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10 Quick Tips for Passing Your Next Drug Test

There is no test that’s worse to fail than a drug test. There are many “surefire” tips and tricks floating out there that are supposedly guaranteed to help you pass, but how can you be so sure that they work? It would be unfortunate, to say the least, to try one of those methods only to find that, once the test results come in, it didn’t work. Looking for a way to avoid a mishap like that? Well look no further! Here are ten tried-and-true tips for passing your next drug test:

1) Study, study, study!

When it comes to passing any test, there is no substitute for good old-fashioned studying. Learn the material and know it thoroughly. You can never go wrong with traditional flash cards.

2) Don’t procrastinate!

Studying is great, but cramming the night before just won’t get the job done. Make sure to start studying early and give yourself plenty of time to master the material.

3) Flash cards

When it comes to traditional studying, nothing surpasses this crowd favorite. Get some 3-by-5″ index cards and get to flashing! You can flash in your dorm, you can flash at McKeldin, and on those nice, sunny days, you can even go flash on the Mall. For more effective studying, ask your roommate, a friend, or even get a group of students and get to flashing together! The possibilities are endless.

4) Location, location, location!

You may have heard of this one being toted as “the first rule of real estate,” but did you know that it’s also the fourth rule of studying? Make sure that you study in the same place as where you’ll be taking the test.

5) Stop smoking weed

Stay away from the Devil’s Lettuce. It’s a scientifically proven fact that doing marijuana causes permanent and irreversible damage to the brain—most notably, shrinking it down to the size of an average lemon. And as we all know, the brain’s functions are directly correlated to its size, so as it shrinks, so does your ability to form coherent sentences, think rationally, and pay attention—all functions that are necessary for studying well.

6) Adderall

Like we said earlier, procrastination is a big “no no.” But as a college student, you have other classes to study for, and sometimes you can’t help but to procrastinate. When that happens, you need a little something to make sure that you can pull that all-nighter and cram in all the information that you need to know.

7) Meth

Because, let’s face it, sometimes Adderall just doesn’t cut it. I bet you’re thinking, “What if I don’t want to smoke or snort it?” Well, there’s an easy fix: stop being a little punk ass bitch and just fucking do it. Still too much of a little bitch? Pour yourself a nice cold glass of milk and sprinkle a generous amount of crystal meth right into it. Don’t be shy: stir it up and voilà! You have a nice cool glass of meth-milk. Mmm, goes down easy.

8) Sketchy Mike

You know that kid who lives down the hall from you that’s always got random people coming in and out of his dorm? That’s Sketchy Mike. Get to know Sketchy Mike, because by now chances are you’re addicted to meth, and those pesky bugs crawling under your skin that you keep picking at just won’t go away. You need to wean off that stuff, because going cold turkey is just not an option. Fortunately, Sketchy Mike has just the thing: coke. And he can get you the good shit for the low, my dude, none of that stepped on shit. I’m talking A1 Miley Cyrus.

9) Rehab

You’ve done your studying, and you’ve aced that drug test. But by now you’ve fallen into the deep, desolate, and unforgiving black pit of addiction. You’re slowly losing every meaningful relationship you’ve had in your life and don’t even recognize the glossy-eyed, pale-skinned skeleton of a person that’s staring back at you in the bathroom mirror of the 7-Eleven where you meet Sketchy Mike for your daily fix. You really might not even graduate at this point. It’s time to get it together.

10) Rehab Round 2

Amy Winehouse said “no, no, no” to this one, and just at look at where it got her. Dude, seriously, get your shit together.