Throwing Drinks in Someone’s Face Suddenly Emerges As Key ...

Politics | Corey Rennolds | March 1, 2016

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Throwing Drinks in Someone’s Face Suddenly Emerges As Key Issue in Ted Cruz Campaign Platform

Ted Cruz

HOUSTON, TX—On the eve of Super Tuesday’s Republican primaries, candidate Ted Cruz surprised a gathering of supporters in an old theater in downtown Houston by repeatedly mentioning the importance of criminalizing the act of throwing a drink in someone’s face as a key issue in his campaign platform, according to witnesses at the event.

“Tomorrow, we will make history. We will show Washington that the American people are tired of politics as usual and that we are ready to take a stand against the erosion of our constitutional rights and having drinks thrown in our faces!” said Cruz to the enthusiastic but slightly confused audience.

“As President, I will ensure that our money is spent wisely, our values are restored, and no one who tosses a Manhattan in someone else’s face will go unpunished by the United States’ criminal justice system,” continued Cruz.

The remainder of Cruz’s speech consisted of his typical assurances that he would “pull America out of the abyss” and “maintain conservative principles” among others, all the while peppering his talk with references to bringing swift justice to anyone who splashes a beverage, “alcoholic or otherwise,” into the eyes, nose, and mouth of another human being. At one point, witnesses say Cruz promised that any parties guilty of the offense would be “one hundred percent financially responsible for any and all dry cleaning costs.”

Witnesses added that Cruz also made a brief remark towards the end of his speech about pushing legislation designed to impose harsh penalties against those charged with spitting on another person’s shoes.

Article by Corey Rennolds @CoreyRennolds. Photo credited to Gage Skidmore.